


Stronger together

by Muizeke83



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 15:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12390780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muizeke83/pseuds/Muizeke83





	Stronger together

The last few days have been hard, too hard. I enter my quarters and when the doors hiss shut I can feel my armor, which I put on every time I walk out these same doors, falling from me piece by piece. My Captains mask falls just as fast and suddenly I feel human again. A real human with real feelings, and it’s those feelings that make me crumble.

My uniform suddenly feels too heavy to wear… my four pips suffocating me. I need to get out of it! I shrug out of my jacket and absently hang it on the nearest chair or so I think, but it slides to the floor instead. I don’t give a damn. I pull at my turtleneck, desperate to get it off, but the fabric gets caught in one of my hairpins. It hurts, but again I don’t care and I pull so hard the damn thing breaks and when I finally manage to get out of my shirt, my hair spills over my shoulders and in my face. I angrily wipe it away and resume the undressing part. I kick my boots to wherever they want to land, throw my socks in the same direction and finally I’m able to get rid of the last piece of that horrible uniform.

I take a deep breath, but the only thing I can feel is a sickening pressure on my chest. I try to suck in air, but it doesn’t seem to reach my lungs. My throat starts to hurt. I know this feeling and if I don’t get control soon, this will not end well. With hands on my hips I start pacing, but it doesn’t seem to help. I can feel sweat on my forehead, feeling too hot all of a sudden.

My chime rings.

I don’t want anyone here, don’t want anyone to see me like this, so I just keep quiet and hope that whoever is at my door just leaves.

It rings again. Damn it!

“Kathryn?” I hear his voice and I shake my head. Of all people, it has to be Chakotay.

If I answer, he will come in. If I don’t, he’ll come in anyway to check on me. Either way, I’m screwed. I don’t want to see him and I definitely don’t want him to see me like this.

I open my mouth and try to form words, but I can’t seem to find my voice. The pressure in my chest slowly builds up again, still unable to catch my breath.

“Kathryn, I know you’re in there.” 

I’m starting to feel dizzy from lack of oxygen and I can feel my heart racing. I feel so hot now, I’m getting nauseous. I can’t get control of my body and on top of everything I feel at that moment, I’m starting to feel scared. My eyes mist over, my knees go a little weak. I bend forward, hands on my knees for support and still trying to breathe it out, when he finally enters my quarters.

“Kathryn!” I can hear the panic in his voice and I sign him to give me a moment by raising my hand. I almost topple over and he grabs me just before my knees give in. I look up into his eyes and I come undone. A strangled sob escapes me and he pulls me close against him.

“Tell me what to do, Kathryn!” He practically orders me, but I can’t tell him; I don’t even know myself how to get out of this one. 

My throat starts burning and I feel sick, close to throwing up, but I can’t move or speak. I manage to turn my head away from him and spew up everything that was still left in my stomach. I heave hard, again and again and he just holds me. I still can’t breathe and I look helplessly at him, tears streaming down my face. “Help.” 

Chakotay taps his commbadge and barks that there's a medical emergency in the Captains quarters. In an instant the Doctor appears and takes a quick assessment, prepares a hypo spray and pushes it against my throat. As soon as its contents are released in my bloodstream, I can feel the pressure subsiding and I can finally draw in a deep breath.

I hang helplessly in Chakotay’s arms, my body not feeling like my own. He adjusts his hold on me and whisks me up into his arms. He carries me to my bedroom and gently lays me down on my bed. He takes a step back and lets the Doctor examine me further. All I can do is look at him and feel sorry for him; he looks so worried. When his eyes lock with mine, I try to give him an apologetic look and I know he understands what I’m trying to tell him. He gives me a weak smile, then turns and leaves my room.

I close my eyes and cover my face with my arm. I suddenly feel very tired. “Get some rest Captain, I’ll be back to check up on you in the morning” I hear the Doctor tell me, but I don’t have the strength to acknowledge him. I try to fight it, but I can’t keep my eyes open anymore and I fall fast asleep.

 

An unfamiliar noise wakes me. I open my eyes and am glad to see I’m in my own bedroom and not in sickbay. My chest and throat still feel a little sore, but I don’t feel actual pain. As I become more aware of my surroundings, I have to admit I don’t feel much of anything. Everything feels numb.  
The same noise reaches me from my living area and I feel the need to find out what it is. I slowly swing my legs over the edge of the bed and need a moment to get my equilibrium. I push up on unsteady legs and shuffle to the door. Chakotay is on his knees, cleaning up the last of my being sick and I suddenly feel so embarrassed I gasp, startling him. 

“You don’t have to do that.” My voice is so hoarse even I hardly recognize it.

“I know.” He simply says and stands up to go recycle everything. I watch him as he stands with his back towards me and I can see his shoulders slump for a brief moment. I cast my eyes down, not feeling up to looking at him as he turns to me again.

“You had a panic attack.” He starts to explain. He’s close, I can hear it, feel it.

“I know.” I simply say.

“You’ve had these before?” I can hear the dismissing tone in his voice and it hurts.

“Yes.” I whisper.

“Oh Kathryn…” he whispers back and places his hand on my upper arm, making me flinch involuntarily. He doesn’t pull his hand away. With his other hand he tilts my chin upwards to look at my face and I try to avoid his eyes, but he’s standing so close I can’t. It takes all of my strength to not cry, but I’m simply not strong enough and my face crumples. I choke out a strangled sob and shake my head, tears ready to spill over. When the first one rolls down my face, the others follow suit and I cry.  
“I can’t take this anymore.” I manage. “I’m so tired, it’s not funny anymore.”

“Why have you kept this to yourself? You know I’m here for you, in any way that I can.” He’s still keeping a respectable distance, although I know it is killing him he can’t just take me into his strong arms. I suddenly realize that’s maybe just what I need right this moment. His touch, his skin against mine.

“I know. That’s maybe what’s been making things a bit harder than they should be.”

“How so?” He knows very well. He’s testing me and I can’t blame him. My episode before has brought a whole new level into our friendship, our relationship.

“Chakotay…” I practically plead with him, but he doesn’t waver.

“ Don’t fight yourself, Kathryn. You have too many other things to fight for. It’s okay for you to let this go.” His words hold so much meaning. I take in a deep, shuddering breath, this time with ease because I know he’s here for me.

“Hold me, please.” I whisper and step into his inviting arms. He wraps me completely into him, one hand resting on the small of my back drawing soothing circles, the other at the base of my neck, his thumb caressing the sensitive spot behind my ear. And I don’t hold back anymore. I simply cry, openly and freely, letting all of the hurt, sorrow and regret flow out of me. 

When I quiet down a little, he guides me to my bedroom again, helping me into bed. Instead of leaving me, he crawls in next to me and I don’t protest. He opens his arm and I curl up against him, my head on his chest. The soothing rhythm of his beating heart calms me and my eyes grow heavy again. He turns his head a little and kisses me gently on my head. “Sleep. I’m here.”

I close my eyes and completely give in to the feeling of contentment of him being here, close to me. “Thank you.” I whisper and quietly slip into a peaceful sleep. Just before I fade out, I believe I hear him say ‘I love you’…

 

I open my eyes and the first thing I feel is cold. My body aches all over and I have a nagging headache. The headaches have been a constant companion for a couple of weeks now, but my entire body working against me is fairly new. I pull the blanket up and over me, leaving just enough uncovered so I can breathe and look at my closed door.

“Doctor to the Captain.” My badge comes to life.

I reach out to where it sits on the bedside table. I guess Chakotay left it there when he left for his shift. “Yes, Doctor.”

“Ah, you’re awake. Is now a good time for me to check up on you?” His chipper voice doesn’t do me good, but I might as well get this over with.

“Yes.” I simply answer and before I can say anything else, he shimmers into existence right beside me. I have to keep myself from rolling my eyes at him.

“How are you feeling?” He asks as he starts scanning me. I turn on my back and rub both hands over my face.

“My head is killing me and I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.” I admit.

“I can give you something for the pain, but I think we need to address the other issue. The one that led to you feeling like this.” He prepared a hypo spray and administered its contents into my jugular. No matter how often I’ve had something injected in me by hypo spray, the irritable tingle is still something I’m not used to.

“I wouldn’t know where to start Doctor.” I almost whisper.

“Chakotay tells me the episode from last night wasn’t the first. Have you been experiencing these panic attacks often? And when did they start?” He asked question after question, not giving me any time to respond. I sigh deeply and move my hands away to look at him.

“This one was the worst so far. I don’t remember when they first began. It’s just…” I trail off. “I’m just so very tired.”

“I’m ordering you to bedrest then. At least three days, as a start then I’ll examine you again. In the mean time I would like you to wear this monitor so I can intervene immediately when you have another episode.”

I nod and he attaches the monitor to the still tingling spot on my neck.

“Now, would you like something to help you sleep?”

“I just woke up.”

“A healthy mind starts with a healthy body, Captain! I’ll leave you this hypo spray. Take a hot shower, eat something and rest. I’ll keep a close eye on you and I’ll come back to check on you in three days.”

I nod once and turn to my side again, pulling up the blanket.

“Captain?!” His tone is firm and warning.

“In a minute! Let me wake up first.” I normally have no problem with that. I’m always up and about before my alarm, but for the past few days, even that was a task on its own.  
The EMH huffs once, clearly stating his annoyance with me and vanishes.

I feel perfectly fine tucked under the covers, but after about ten minutes the call of nature becomes too loud to ignore and I have to get out of bed to pee. My back protests when I stand and I still feel very unsteady as I make my way into the bathroom.  
Maybe taking a long, hot shower isn’t such a bad idea and I already turn it on, before taking off what little I’m still wearing. I pin my hair up, not feeling up to the washing and brushing ritual, and step in the shower. I wince because the water is a tad too hot, but I can feel it relaxing my muscles so I leave it.  
When I close my eyes, images of the night before come swimming back; the look on Chakotay’s face, his shoulders sagging with despair. It’s too much. I can’t handle his emotions right now, but I feel sorry for him either way.  
He doesn’t deserve this. I don’t want to be a burden on him, but I can’t help it. I feel so overwhelmed by it all. Being a Captain is taking its toll on me. Six years in this freaking Quadrant, the constant battle with hotheaded races, the ongoing search for supplies and resources… 

I can feel my heart racing again, I need to calm down. I’m not in the mood for the Doctor’s interference right now and I know he’s monitoring me. I put my head under the streaming water and let it drown out all the noise. The only thing I can hear now, is my heartbeat. I take slow breaths and block out all the images from my mind. Its working and I feel relieved.  
I turn off the shower and step out, pull on my robe without drying off, wrap a towel around my hair and walk back to my bedroom.

I should check in with Chakotay. I know he will be wondering how I’m doing, but the only thing I want to do is sleep. I know my ship is in his capable hands and I’m also pretty sure he has come up with a story that will not alarm anyone with my absence.  
I crawl into bed and curl up into a tight ball, pulling the covers up and over my head again. I close my eyes and will myself to sleep, but in stark contrast to half an hour earlier, I am wide awake. My stomach growls… that I forgot. I sigh deeply and throw back the covers, getting up out of bed again to go replicate some breakfast.

“Buttered toast.” Two perfect slices appear and I take them with me to the couch. I sit down so I can look out the view port, the stars usually my steady companion; they look so unfamiliar and for once they seem to bring me no peace. With reluctance I take a bite from my toast and decide it doesn’t taste as good as I hoped. I leave my plate and return to bed. Before I lay back down in my safe bubble, I administer the hypo spray the Doctor has left me, hoping it works sooner rather than later and I can go back to sleep; happy to waste this day.

 

It’s already late in the afternoon when I wake, but I don’t feel any better. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just suck it up and move on like I’ve done so many times before. Have I reached my limit?

My stomach growls, a welcome distraction from my thoughts. I push the covers down a little, but it takes a hell of an effort. I try to turn on my back again, but my body protests, I can’t move. I wriggle my fingers and toes, nothing wrong with that, but I simply can’t make my body move. I can’t get out of this bed. 

I close my eyes and just give up any attempt. I feel fine where I am anyway. I’ll just eat later. With some luck, I’ll fall asleep again.

My chime rings. Once, twice, then I hear Chakotay call my name. I knew he would come check up on me. No use in pretending I’m not here, he’ll come in anyway.  
He appears in the doorway and looks at me. I look up at him.

“Kathryn…”

I don’t answer him. I don’t know what to say. He frowns and steps in, crouching down at my bedside. He touches my forehead and pushes away a strand of hair.

“Tell me what to do.” Sorrow in his eyes.

I don’t even know myself. This time, I really don’t know how to snap out of it.

“Should I call the Doctor?” I shake my head no.

“Do you need anything? Are you hungry?” I nod. He stands up and walks out of the room, only to return a few moments later with new buttered toasts. He offers them to me, but I still can’t make my body do what I want.

“Can you sit up?” I shake my head no again. He puts down the plate on my bedside table. He pulls down the covers a bit further and gently wraps his arms around me, pulling me up into a sitting position. Totally unexpected, he sits down behind me and lets me rest against his chest. He takes a piece of toast and holds it up to my mouth for me to take a bite. Like before, it doesn’t quite taste as it usually does, but it’ll do. I chew slowly and swallow carefully, my throat still feeling a bit sore.

Suddenly the weight of the situation dawns on me. Chakotay offers me another bite, but I refuse.

“You need to eat, Kathryn. You have to keep your strength.”

I know he means well, I know he’s right. I just… 

A tear escapes the corner of my eye. “I… don’t…” I draw in a shuddering breath.

“You don’t what? Talk to me, please.” He sounds desperate and I’m angry at myself for making him feel like this. I hate what I’m doing to him. He doesn’t need this. He needs me to be the strong Captain I’ve always been. I just can’t seem to find her now… I scared her away…

I blamed her for everything! For ruining my life, the lives of everyone on board this ship. Blamed her for the deaths, the losses, the missing of family and friends. Blamed her for our lives being put on hold, my life being put on hold. 

Silent tears keep streaming down my face and he pulls me closer, trying to comfort me. There’s nothing more he can do.

“I don’t…” I try again, but I know the next words to come out of my mouth are not what he wants to hear. They are how I feel, and that makes me feel ashamed and scared at the same time, but it’s all I know right now. “I don’t want to be here.” I whisper.

I can feel him tense up and I regret telling him. He then surprises me by wrapping his arms around me, hugging me tightly. He rests his lips at my temple and gives me a light kiss. “I understand.” He whispers into my hair.

No! No! Don’t understand! Don’t justify this. “Help me, please.”

“I’ll do everything I can. I’ve made you this promise once, it still stands. I’m here for you. Always.” I turn my face into his chest and cry, this time in relief.

“Stay with me.” 

He kisses my temple again and carefully moves out from behind me. I watch him take off his jacket, pulling off his commbadge and placing it on the bedside table, then kick off his boots. He then crawls back in bed behind me, wrapping me in his arms again, covering us both with the blanket.  
A sense of peace befalls me and I calm down. My eyelids grow heavy again and with him close to me, I feel safe enough to fall to sleep again. This time, I don’t even need a hypo spray.

 

_I wake up in my room at my mother’s house. The warm Indiana sun falls on my face and warms me. A smile graces my lips. I love it here, it’s so quiet and peaceful. I can smell the coffee brewing downstairs. Something else I love about being home._

__

_I stretch casually and finally get up out of bed, the longing for coffee too great. I slip into my robe and hurry downstairs, where my sister greets me at the bottom of the stairs.  
The first thing I see is the mug in her hand, which she offers me instantly. Then I look up at her face and see she’s been crying._

_“Phoebe, are you okay?” I ask with concern._

_“I can’t believe this is the last time we will see her. She’ll be put in a box in the ground. It’s not right. She should be up there, with dad…” she looks up at the ceiling._

_“What are you talking about? Who should be up there with dad?” She looks at me, brows knitted together and she shakes her head once._

_“Kathryn, are you feeling alright?” I nod. “Mom…”_

_“What about her?”_

_“We are burying her today… but I still think she deserves to be with dad, in space.”_

_It slowly registers what she is saying and my heart stops._

_“Mother is dead? How did this happen and when? How come I didn’t know? What the hell is going on.”_

_“You were gone so long… we didn’t know if you’d ever return. She died of a broken heart because of you!” Phoebe’s words sounded so accusatorial._

_The room starts spinning and I drop the cup of coffee. Porcelain flies everywhere, the hot liquid lightly burns my feet. Phoebe calls out to me, but she’s not there anymore. It’s not Phoebe’s voice anymore, but a rich and deeper one. A man. He sounds familiar._

“Kathryn, wake up. Kathryn…” disoriented I open my eyes and I’m back in my quarters. My throat hurts from suppressed crying and my eyes feel wet. I recognize the voice.

“Kathryn, I’m here. Shhh…” Chakotay soothes me. His arms are circled around me and he is gently rubbing my arms.

“She died… my mother… Phoebe told me she…” I hiccup.

“Kathryn, your mother is fine.”

“I did this… if I hadn’t stranded us here, I would have been home, with her. She would still be with us and…” Chakotay makes me look at him, but I can’t see him through my tears.

“Listen to me! Listen!” He demands my attention and I hold my breath, trying to hold back the crying. “Your mother is fine! You had a bad dream. None of it is real!” He tries to reassure me.

“It’s not real.” I repeat his words.

“It’s not real. She’s fine.”

“She’s okay… she’s fine, isn’t she?” I need to hear it again.  
“She is perfectly okay, Kathryn. Calm down.” I snuggle close to his chest. I’m so glad he’s here. I don’t understand all this. What is happening to me?

“Chakotay, I can’t take it anymore. What is wrong with me?” I sound foreign to my own ears, sounding frail, small and so afraid. This is not who I am.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just a little lost right now.” He rests his lips on my forehead. “We’ll get you back, I promise. I’ll be here every step of the way until you are you again.”

“Fix me.” I plead with a quivering voice and he tightens his hold on me. 

 

The Doctor has diagnosed me with depression and has relieved me of duty until further notice. Chakotay is now acting Captain and I couldn’t be more pleased with that.  
I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on him, being the Captain is a hard job. And he is adamant to be the one to help me through all this. 

He has informed the crew and from what he has told me, they were very understanding. He said Tom had said he would have cracked ages ago.

I’m just finished with setting the table when my chime rings. “Come in.”

He greets me with his beautiful smile and the day suddenly seems a bit brighter than before. He comes up to me and his smile fades a little. “You’ve been crying.” He states.

“It’s been a rough day.” I admit. “But I’ve been writing a lot and it really helps.”  
Chakotay had suggested writing all that troubles me down. Write them the old fashioned way, with pen and ink, so I could think about things while writing. It was hard, rereading some of the things I wrote, but it helps me put everything in perspective. What made it rough were the few things I started to write, hard truths, dark thoughts, which actually scared me. 

“I’m glad it does. Would you like me to read it?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to burden you more than I already do.” I cast my eyes down and fidget with the knot of my robe.

“I can only help you when I understand what is bothering you. I need to know what goes on in that pretty little head of yours to understand why this is all happening to you.” He reaches over and places his hand against my cheek. I lean into his warm touch and close my eyes for a brief moment, enjoying his touch.

“I know. I just find it a bit confronting having to admit I can’t handle this. I’m a Starfleet Captain for crying out loud. I was trained for this.” I sound a little angry and I immediately regret my tone. When I look at him again, he smiles at me.

“I understand, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are a great Captain, but even Captains need a break from their title. You haven’t had a break in over 6 years.” He explains.

“Neither have you.” I whisper.

“You have bigger shoes to fill.” He cocks his head and I can see him trying to hold a laugh.  
I look down at our feet and shake my head. “Hardly” I simply say and he can’t hold it in anymore. Chakotay’s laughter is contagious and before I know it, I’m laughing with him. And it feels good. Chakotay makes me feel good.

When our laughter dies down, I place my hand over his heart. “I’m so lucky to have you, Chakotay. I wouldn’t know how I could have managed so far if you hadn’t been here for me, with me, all these years.”

“I could say the same about you. You can’t even begin to imagine what you mean to me, to your crew. That’s what I’m going to make you understand. We wouldn’t be who we are today if it wasn’t for you. And I mean that in the positive sense. Maybe you don’t see that yet, but you will. I promise that.” He takes me by my shoulders and guides me into his strong embrace. I slip my arms around his waist and rest my head against his chest. Hearing his steady heartbeat comforts me and again I feel so honored that he’s willing to help me get through this.

“I love you, Chakotay.” I blurt out. For a second I almost regret saying it, afraid it might have ruined the moment, but Chakotay hugs me a bit tighter and kisses the top of my head.

“I love you too.” A pleasant sense of happiness washes over me and in that moment I realize I am going to be just fine.

THE END


End file.
